Dear John… (an open letter to John Mayer)

Dear John,

(I’m so glad you have the most generic of names, because really, this is an open letter to your “type”)

I just read your Playboy interview. Wow. I know you were aiming to be funny, outrageous etc. etc….because you and I both know that there is NO way your management would allow such comments to be printed if you actually MEANT them, right? But really? Seriously? I have whiplash from shaking my head so many times.

You are a singer/songwriter sweetie, not a comedian. Richard Pryor could get away with saying stuff like this, hell maybe Andrew Dice Clay back in his day, but you? Not so much hun. The part that bothers me and prompts me to write this letter is that there are people (assholes) who not only take you seriously, but actually believe what you are thinking.

I don’t know what has bothered me more, the fact that you basically insult your exes for comedic relief and sound bites or compare your penis to a white supremacist. While I figure that out, let’s start by clearing up a few misconceptions for the John Mayers of the world before they start running off at the mouth.

1 – Black people do not love you. Black people love Barack Obama. You are not Barack Obama. Guest appearances on a few rap tracks makes you the American Chris Martin. You were invited on stage for the Michael Jackson memorial? Nice. So was LaToya… That’s not a hood pass, that’s called having a great PR machine. If you’d like a hood pass, I’ll gladly take you to the hood I grew up in… I  must warn you though; (to paraphrase Mr. Pryor) you will not see any niggers…Just a bunch of Black people (and quite a few White ones) who will want to kick your ass for writing pussy whipped songs.

2 – When talking about your exes, please just say “I’ll always be sorry that it didn’t last.” and stop right there. To insult the intelligence of your exes basically highlights the fact that you have a preference for stupid White women. I only throw in the race part because that is your preference; I’m sure there are lots of stupid Black women who would fuck you, I just haven’t met one yet.

3 – Man Whores vs. Owning Your Sexuality – No one is “paying you back for a double standard”, they’re fucking you. That’s it. Owning your sexuality is basically enjoying sex for what it is without emotional hangups. Men and women are both welcome to do this. “Whores” are people who sleep around and then blab about it. That’s why you’re called a whore. To paraphrase yet again, you keep putting your dick in your mouth. There is one way to stop this: stop talking.

4 – On feeling the need to “be 32”. Please don’t attach a chronological age to your relationship immaturity. I know plenty of 22 year olds who can develop a meaningful relationship and I know quite a few 42 year olds who can’t. If you can’t handle being in a relationship, own up to that. Say “look, I don’t want to be married, I want to explore and at this time in my life, and the fact that I’m a softrock star allows me to do that…” And then, move on.

5 – Your sex life, unless you are a sex columnist is really nobody’s business. This goes back to publicly discussing your exes. Who cares that she was your sexual heroin? Must you share that with other people? Yes, you’re a celebrity. Fine, I get that. But you’ve basically implied that there was nothing else…For the other John Mayers out there, think about it: what woman is going to want to fuck you if she knows that you’ll tell everyone about it the next day? John, bragging about boning the big breasted chick was for high school… leave it there.

6 – Gay is not a behaviour. You cannot “out gay” someone. He likes dick and you apparently don’t. Although I’m thinking that putting someone else’s dick in your mouth would be a good thing right now, if only to shut you up.

7 – Fame and notoriety are two different things. You are famous for your music; you are followed by the paparazzi and press because you like the notoriety and openly court it. If you want people to know (and possibly) respect you for who you are and what you do, act like it. There are a lot more famous and respected musicians, singer/writers and pop stars who do not share every mundane detail of their life in an effort to “connect” with fans.

That’s it. This is my Dear John letter to you. When people write a Dear John letter it’s because they want you to go away. I hope you’re aware of yourself enough to know that.

HLBB

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6 thoughts on “Dear John… (an open letter to John Mayer)

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  2. Amusing repsonse.. though you just gave fuel to his fire.
    As long as people like yourself talk about John Mayer… guess what, John wins.

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