Because it happened to me: Settling

Have I ever settled in a relationship? Yup.

I had a wonderful boyfriend. He was sweet, kind, handsome…smart in a computer genius kind of way. He did whatever I asked, drive me anywhere I wanted, sheeeit, he even paid for my trips to the hair salon (and if you know me, that’s a bit surprising). I was sent flowers when he felt he wasn’t paying enough attention to me; on my birthday I received extravagant gifts. He got along with all my friends, and being talk dark and handsome, my girlfriends all admired my “doting” boyfriend. Hell, even my MOTHER thought he would be the one I married.

No one ever realized that I had to deal with his crippling insecurities. His inability to make a decision about the littlest things. His lack of imagination about our social life…we once spent 6 Saturdays in a row watching rented movies (yes I counted) because I didn’t plan anything. Or that he wanted to put us into debt by moving into a condo we couldn’t afford. Meaning, since I was still in school and his brother recently had to cosign on his new car, I said we weren’t ready…

Sex?  Le sigh… it could be done in an hour and IKEA could’ve designed the instructions because it followed the exact same pattern…I’m not kidding…the exact same muthafucking pattern, right down to who initiated it first (him, because really, why would I?) to who went to sleep first (him). We didn’t go on a vacation until I begged to, and he took no part in the planning of it. But the most frightening to me, was that he was giving up his friends and lifestyle to essentially use mine (even his best friend recognized that). Even at that young age, I was well on my way to being an Alpha female, and I here I had ended up with a passive aggressive male.

I realized I had settled one Thanksgiving dinner with his family, where his brother cracked jokes about us being engaged by Christmas…except his brother called me by the EXs name (it was so subconscious that he didn’t even realize it). Or, shortly after, when I said I couldn’t spend Christmas in another city because it was my mother’s birthday, his whole family nodded understandingly, but my doting boyfriend said “I’m not driving you back until I feel like it”. I wasn’t even saying that I was going in the first place!

I sat at that table, studying him, seeing him with new eyes, getting smashed on wine and slowly realizing that a) it didn’t really matter who sat in the chair beside him as long as she was breathing and had viable ovaries…and b) everything he did was really to make himself look good whether I liked it or not… and c) we weren’t going to make it to Christmas.

He cried for a week when we broke up. I cried while I was breaking up with him and stopped a few hours later. He cried because he was complacent with his life and I was disrupting it. I cried because I realized how wrong he was for me and that I spent a year loving this man for all the wrong reasons. That I put up with 80% of bullshit for 20% of a man. He spent a month promising me that he would change; be that 20% (which was really, by the end 50%). Oh yeah, the computer genius even gave the computer he built for me a virus, knowing that I was in the middle of exams and would be desperate enough to call on him for help. Which I did. He made it worse. How do I know this? I called on another friend, who called me two days later and said “dude. Your hard drive literally went up in smoke. Literally. All I can save are the MP3s that were on the secondary drive and two word documents. Whoever did this was gooood.”

He was introduced to a woman after our relationship ended and married her about a year later. Last I heard, he has 2 kids (a stepson and a biological daughter) a house in some suburb in the U.S. (his wife is American) and probably quite content with his life.

As for me, I haven’t settled since…


One thought on “Because it happened to me: Settling

  1. Pingback: Are You Her 80% or Her 20%? Why do women “settle”? « she said…he said

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