Based on a question from a guy: Why do women settle? Let’s sit back and think for a bit on that. Because that word “settle” has so many different meanings. I’m not talking about that “oh I wanted a tall guy and settled for a short one…but he’s nice” kind of thing. I’m talking about real settling…
You ever have that moment with your girlfriend/wife/jumpoff where you catch her just looking at you? She says nothing; she’s just looking at you walking around in your ratty ass t-shirt and boxers, or completely engrossed in NBA2K10, or while you’re studiously watching (trying to figure out) the latest episode of Lost and she’s just looking? No smile… nothing. It’s like she’s studying you in the wild; memorizing every detail. You ask her what’s up and she says “nothing”?
She’s trying to determine if you’re the “80” or the “20”.
No one gets 100% what they want in a person. But most of us are happy with getting anywhere between 80 and 100%. So no, you may not be 6’2 and have a six pack, but if you’re 5’5 and can make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the room? That’s not settling darling, that’s prioritizing.
You see, it’s that crucial 20% that can make or break the relationship. If she started dating you and that 80% was all superficial – meaning all the stuff that looks good on paper – her feelings for you will fade. With each fading step, she’ll become more and more disenchanted with you and one day, she’ll look at you and realize that she has settled for 80% of man that is of no real value to her. So that good looking asshole? She settled. That loser of a guy who has that one redeeming quality, so she kinda just shrugs off the rest? Yup, she settled. In time, she will do one of two things: she’ll cheat or she’ll leave. If she stays, she has her own set of issues.
“Settling” my dear boys creeps up on a relationship. I’m not talking about the moments when she does the dramatic eye roll or sigh, or when she rhetorically asks “why do I put up with you?” or says to friends “see what I put up with?” When she says or does those things, more often than not, she’s reminding herself that whatever caused that reaction is in her 20%, not her 80%. Count yourself lucky if you are made aware of these moments because it’s those quiet moments of reflection that you should be worried about. That’s when she’s doing the math to see if you add up to at least 80%…and if you do, what is it 80% of?
So what if she runs an empire and he’s a courier? You don’t know what the dynamics are of that relationship that makes it work…and no I don’t mean (just) great sex. Now, are you sitting there comparing yourself to ghosts of boyfriends past and wondering how you measure up? Don’t. She’s already taken the measurements, and if you’re still around, then keep doing what you’re doing and improve on it.
What if she’s just a jumpoff? Well, I firmly believe that there is some jumpoff etiquette that should be observed: treat her with respect, no lies, and no false promises. Just because you’re not putting a ring on her finger or being seen with her during daylight hours, does not mean that you treat her sexual needs like an afterthought. She’s fulfilling something for you; you better be fulfilling (sexually) for her. You continuously treat her like a sexual dumping ground and you’ll find that one day, she’s not available. Besides, if all you’re looking for is a sexual dumping ground, then you should just call 1-976-UR-AN-ASS.
Think about it: you ever have your jump off not give her all one night? Like she’s kind of going through the motions (pun intended)? Then after, she shows no desire to spend the night (when she normally does) or immediately gets on her phone to read her twitter replies? Yeah, she’s realized that 80% of the sex is about you and the 20% she gets just isn’t good enough.
You see, all this talk about women dating men and settling is about the superficial. So what we might observe as her “settling, is really a relationship where the woman has her priorities in order. She is willing to give up superficial quality X because she can receive substantial quality Y instead. The substantial is much harder to come by…and when she’s found it, she won’t care if he’s slightly balding, can’t dance, or makes less money than her…she’s settled for Mr. Right for Her and that’s all that matters.