Based on conversations I’ve had with men, women are generally categorized by “type” and in the English-speaking world, these types tend to be universally recognized. I argue that these types are actually archetypes: there is the original and then there are variations on it.
Each month, I will profile a different female archetype…chances are you have come across her in your daily life, met her in the club or hell, even married her. I will explain my definition, why I think she exists, and if you so choose, what you can do to attract her (or, if need be get rid of her). I decided to start with my favourite archetype, especially since I’ve been accused of being her quite a few times…
Presenting Woman #1 – The Ice Queen
Described as cold and haughty, the Ice Queen is usually the LAST woman you approach, and usually after a drink or two (or 7 or 12…). She could be 5 feet tall and you could be 6’6, but she still manages to look down on you. Your jokes don’t impress her, she looks bored with you right after you say “hi” and while you stand there, being assessed, judged and dismissed with a single glance, you think two things:
1: this bitch really needs to get laid…
2: why isn’t anything I’m doing working?
*note – if she’s only like this with you, but you witness her be friendly to other people…move on. She just doesn’t like you.
Her Habitat: At a party or large social gathering she’s in the corner or off to the sides. There is no table dancing or doing shots at the bar for the Ice Queen; she’s too busy “surveying her kingdom”. Anything she might deem “childish” she rolls her eyes at and scoffs. Generally it takes a lot of persuasion for her to join in on anything and it’s actually a bit of a surprise that she’s even out; doesn’t she have baby seals to club to death? Ice Queens are usually accompanied by a more outgoing friend. She’s also considered to be sexually frigid…
Why Are You Attracted to Her? That’s easy. She’s the ultimate “get”. You will have succeeded where others have obviously failed. The Ice Queens I know are considered beautiful (I’m not including myself in description), so it’s an even bigger achievement in the eyes of your fellow men. She also seems mysterious; and who doesn’t like solving a good mystery?
Why is she like this? Good question. Some of you may even know the answer. It’s not because she hates men or blames them for a past failed relationship. The truth is: she’s shy. Painfully so. The Ice Queen is not surveying her kingdom, she’s afraid to join in. She’s scoffs at being silly and childish because she’s looked silly so many times in the past that she can’t bear the thought of people laughing AT her. She will reject you first because she’s been rejected in the past and doesn’t want to go through that again. Ice Queens also tend to be very accomplished women and always busy, so they never seem to have time for anyone. It’s because they’re socially awkward and their attempts at teasing and joking sound like brittle insults. When they share information, they act like they’re bestowing it upon you; but it’s simply because they know no other way.
Who dates the Ice Queen? Very brave men. Actually, the more confident and outgoing YOU are, only increases your chances of dating an Ice Queen. She’s attracted to your confidence, swag, and friendliness.
How to Approach: To approach an Ice Queen you must not be afraid of rejection…you will have to attempt it a few (hundred) times. Thick skin is a must… her insults cut deep. You have to have nothing that she can pick apart, because she is always on the offensive. You must go in thinking “there is someone else out there for each of us” and you MUST have that vibe before you approach. You have to be like George Clooney, not George Costanza. Ice Queens rarely date their immediate peers and are usually seen with someone a little bit older (because they have that thicker skin) or even a little bit younger (because they honestly believe there are more women out there).
Does she ever melt? Ice Queens are closet romantics but they tend to also be very driven women; so many assume (incorrectly) that she doesn’t respond well to traditional ways of wooing. You think she’ll laugh at your attempts to be romantic, so you don’t bother, right? Yeah, you and all the other men out there. So, it becomes her worldview that men don’t try. Try a little tenderness. Watch her melt. Don’t do what everyone else does. You’ll see.
How to get rid of one: Uh, loser you don’t. She got rid of you when she laid eyes on you. Dismissed. NEXT!
Do you wife her? ONLY if you can put up with her acidic comments about your clothes, your friends, and your mother; dramatic sighs and eye rolls every time you hit the dance floor and ONLY if you like great sex. Oh yeah, Ice Queens are soooooo not sexually frigid.
Famous Ice Queens: Claire Standish (The Breakfast Club), Stella Payne (How Stella Got Her Groove Back), Miranda Hobbs (SATC).