hoarders: the girl edition

This post is inspired by an encounter I had with a friend this past weekend and goes out to the “Girl Hoarders”…

You are:
A guy, single or single-ish (i.e. playing the field) and you have a collection of women in your life that for some reason, you just can’t let go of. As a result, you state often that THE ONE does not exist for you or, you haven’t met her yet. But, when you scroll though your address book, you come across the following entries:

The “Crazy” Ex- Girlfriend (CXG)
You keep her number in your phone so that you can avoid her calls. When you were together, your relationship was nothing but stress and drama – with some good sex thrown in, because we all know that the crazier she is, the better the sex is.

The Friend WITHOUT Benefits (FWO)
She’s truly a good friend – to you. You’ve never shared any benefits, and she’s just chill, y’know? A really good friend and hey, it’s platonic; no sexual attraction. She’s like a sister to you.

But you’ve got your best boy, your boss and your mother asking whether she’s (not so secretly) in love with you. Especially since she does almost all the things a girlfriend would, except have sex with you. But c’mon now, you know…deep down inside…that if you asked…she’d give it up. You ignore these signs because you either want to keep the friendship or exploit it.

The Friend with Benefits (FWB)
You two have an arrangement and that’s all there is between the two of you.
But, on occasion you’ve been known to give her a call to just hang out, and sometimes, that hanging out feels more like a date. It’s a nice feeling, so now you call her up if you’re bored and want to go see Avatar, and maybe you’ll get some after…

The Random (3AM)
She was a random hookup from a few months ago, and it was alright. But you have your FWB, so you don’t really need to call on her, but if your arrangement with the FWB falls through, you have this to fall back on.

The Swim Fan (SF)
She’s kinda like the FWO, except she’s not a friend. She’s someone you work with, or maybe you know them through a friend. But after a few choice encounters, this chick knows your favourite colours, positions (even though she hasn’t had the pleasure), sports team and possibly even knows that you have a CXG. How? Remember when your crazy ex showed up at that party once, looking for “closure” and you used the SF as a prop girlfriend? Yeah.

The One that Got Away (TOGA)
Oooh… her number is hard to scroll by, yeah? You realized after it ended that there could’ve been something there, but it got fucked up. You have in the past drunk texted/called her and she didn’t respond. So you called the FWB, but she wasn’t answering at 3 a.m. so you called the 3AM for a little post-club, gotta-forget-this-girl sex.

The New One (TNO)
You just met her and you think there could be something there, but just in case, you won’t delete the numbers of any of the above…

You just can’t let go can you? The people on the show Hoarders just can’t let go of stuff; they think that they need to keep it around because one day they might need it. You know what happens to these people? They end up being trapped by their shit. That’s what happened to my friend; he got trapped by these women. I adore him to bits, but he collects women like they’re things and eventually, life caught up with him and he realized he was trapped; he couldn’t meet anyone new. Being his actual friend, I’ve had the opportunity to watch him when he adds to his collection and it’s impressive. (Puhleeeze! Our friendship began because he tried to add me…)

One day, I asked him why he just didn’t delete the numbers he wasn’t going to call or set the record straight with the FWO/FWB and the 3AM types. His answer? He didn’t have one.

He was keeping them around because it felt good: it fed his ego. Again, keep in mind that the above descriptions are not your friends (i.e. true platonic friends) – I have nothing against male/female friendships…hell, there’d be no blog if I had no guy friends of my own. But, you, the Hoarder? These are the women you keep on the bench…y’know the ones that you call after a breakup. No? Read the following and see if you recognize yourself:

Break up with CXG or the TOGA, so you call the FWO to talk about it, and she reminds you what a great guy you are. Feeling better, you then call the FWB to see if she can “hang out”. After that, one of your boys calls you up to go out, so you pick up a 3AM to feed the ego a bit more. On Sunday, you remember how nice brunches used to be with the TOGA and check her Facebook status to find that she’s finally blocked you, so you send her a text asking why…and get no response. On Monday when you see the SF, you flirt a little bit more just to see her smile…

lather, rinse, repeat until you find: The New One.

Yeah, you’re a Hoarder. Now is there anything wrong with Hoarding? Uh…yes! You’re stringing along a bunch of women who are either fully aware of your actions and judge you accordingly , or they are completely oblivious to your motivations and when made aware of them, resent you. This is the reputation you’re putting out there darling. Let me put it this way:

Say your FWO or SF has a friend that you meet. You realize she’s the THE ONE and…


See, reputable women have a “chicks before dicks” policy. So, THE ONE? She’s not going to give you any play if she has the slightest inkling that her friend is interested in you. There lies the (lack of any) rub: YOU don’t want the FWO or SF, right? YOU know that, right? Do THEY know that?

(I’ll give you a minute to think…)

Okay, how about the FWB? You meet her sister/co-worker/friend at a party and she goes back to the FWB and says I met this really great guy! She pulls your picture up on Facebook (during the requisite background check) and your FWB /SF says, “remember that douchebag with the big dick that I used to hook up with who was only okay in bed? That’s HIM. Don’t waste your time..”

(oh, yeah, she’ll say you were just “okay”, even if she said you were the best sex she ever had…because well, she recognized you for what you are…a Hoarder)

Do you see the signs? Are you wondering why you haven’t met THE ONE? It’s because you might have already, but she couldn’t see you past all that garbage cluttering up your romantic life. The majority of women can tell when you’re a Hoarder; even if they don’t admit it to themselves (i.e. FWO). These women cannot and will not take you seriously, and your true female friends? Like I said, I adore my friend; he’s funny, charming, gorgeous, smart, blah blah blah…but he would never be introduced to any of my girls as a potential…

So I’ll tell you what I told him: it’s time to clean house.


5 thoughts on “hoarders: the girl edition

  1. Oh Jesus Christ, you hit the nail on the head with this post girl! Why are they like this? Can’t be honest with everyone and let them know what their real intentions are. Let the women in your life know what’s going on. They can decide whether or not they want to stick around. It’s only fair. Trust, there will always be other women out there that are comfortable with being the jump-off. Why do they waste people’s time? It’s a lot of useless energy trying to keep all the lies straight. I wish more men out there would read this post. I say you submit it to all the local papers!

  2. To: Someone – hahah! Who knows? Maybe you will see it in print one day.

    Guys: see? All women have a name for what you do…we see you.

    Quote from Twitter:”OMG I blogged something similar last year but I called them “collectors’http://bit.ly/8sZ4QG” – twitter.com/mirvoth

  3. hahahha, you really made me laugh. The truth is most guys wish they had FWB, SF and 3AM 🙂
    but what about girls, I doubt we’re any different?
    ps. TOGA paragraph, “but it got fucked it up” has an extra “it” 🙂

  4. love the breakdown of categories, some of us have been in all of them. it all boils down to selfishness really, and lack of courage to go all out into comittment.

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