Okay…which list will YOU end up on tomorrow?

So tonight, some of you are still scrambling to buy a present… my thoughts are with you.

Tomorrow (or the day after or in a few hours if she’s eager), she’ll be opening the present you so painstakingly (or rushed) to buy. The question will be: will you be on the nice or naughty list after she sees it?

How to get on the NAUGHTY list:

Gift Cards.
Seriously? That’s what you buy friends, family, your child’s teacher. When the girlfriends commune in the days to come and talk about what they got, picture her holding up a gift card to Future Shop and saying with a big smile “THIS!”

Yeah, doesn’t work.
Anything Domestic
Unless she’s a domestic goddess who goes by the names Nigella, Rachael or Martha, do NOT attempt this. Unless she says specifically that for Christmas she wants new cookware, baking supplies or a vacuum, do not attempt this.

Lingerie (especially in the wrong size)
We know you’re visual creatures…that’s why WE buy the stuff. Do not buy unless you’ve been together for a while. If you need to figure out what her size is, instead of going into the store and saying to the (hot) salesgirl “she’s about your size”, try this: remember when you oh so expertly removed her bra when you were getting it on? There’s a size tag. Usually by the clasp. Check it out. Most importantly: do NOT buy any of the Xmas themed stuff at the front of the store. You will be dateless on New Year’s Eve if she finds that under the tree.
Random Perfume
Avoid this at Valentine’s as well. She has a favourite fragrance (or three or four), and if you don’t know the exact name, don’t try sniffing a bunch of bottles and thinking, “that’s about right”.
Anything Practical
Yes, of course it makes complete sense to buy her a back up flashlight/smoke detector/emergency kit for her car. But unless she’s a gadget girl…practical gifts are best saved for, nothing. Let her parents buy that shit. Again, imagine her holding it up a flashlight to her girlfriends and saying: “THIS!”

How to get on the NICE list

Hmmm. This would be the ONE time a gift card is acceptable. Treating her to a massage and/or pedicure? Especially if you say it’s because you see she works hard (in or out of the home)? Genius.

Listen out for these words:
“I LOVE this…”
“I like this…”
“I’ve always wanted…”
“I adore…”
“I really should get…”

I’m not one of those women who drops hints around November at what I want in hopes that he’ll remember, but I do talk about stuff I like. Some women hint straight out; others will hand you a typewritten list in Excel cross referenced with stores and prices as well as directions to the mall.

Guys, you don’t understand how excited we get when we realize that you are LISTENING and retaining shit we say. You know the phrase “it’s the thought that counts”? Well, the very thought of you remembering that she coveted something makes the present that much more special.

Because then the scenario goes like this: she gets together with the girls post holiday. They compare gifts. She’s asked “what did He get you?” She flashes the item AND talks about how she only mentioned it in passing, like, ONCE, way back when and that you must’ve written it down or remembered or something and there it was under the tree and blah blah blah blah…

The other ladies swoon. They chime “awww! That’s so sweet! He’s such a great guy!” The one who got the present off the naughty list (and there’s always one…) will go home and give her honey the “why can’t you be more like that?” look, without explaining why and plug in her new state of the art vacuum.

Merry Xmas to all and to all a good night…



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