8 Simple Tips for Cheating

1 – Don’t.

2 – Okay, if you really must: wear protection.
This would be one of those times where sharing is NOT caring.

3 – Okay, if you really must. Be discreet and keep it simple.
If you are to have a jump-off, make sure that they have something to lose and not something to gain. Also, stick to one jump-off at a time, I mean, c’mon now, you’re in a committed relationship already! How much more sex can you need? Don’t you have a job? A paper route? A hobby?

4 – DON’T lie to the jump off.
As Yvonne of heydoyou.com tweeted the other day “two timing guys get caught twice”.
You are already lying to one person; why complicate matters more? I don’t even think that they’ve made an app to help you keep track of lies; if they did, I’d know even more people with iPhones.

Wait – stops to check App Store – nope. Just lie detector apps.

Look at Letterman. Did any of his affairs go running to Life & Style Magazine to tell “their side” of the story? Nope. Wow. Look what honesty gets you. Remember, it wasn’t even one of the exes that outed him! She wanted it kept private. Why? So as not to be accused of sleeping her way to the top. Why? Because she had something to lose.

But Tiger? Oh Tiger, you probably told each of your lucky 13 that they were the only one(s). I’m NOT sorry, but cocktail waitresses with dreams of becoming models at the age of 24 don’t have anything to lose.They knew you had a wife, but when one jump-off came out, each realized you had lied to them. Hell hath no fury like a jump-off lied to.

5 – Set the terms.
No overnights. No calls to the house (really, a smart cheater has more than one phone, GoogleVoice anyone?) No pictures (and if you’re even contemplating for a moment nekkid pics, don’t). Set up a separate email account. Always use condoms. Don’t have sex in your car. No time together on holidays. Do not go out in public or to any of the places you go to with your beloved.

Hey you know what? Sucks to be them, but if they’re willing to agree to those terms – and yes, I know people who have – then that’s their lot in life to accept. They made their bed, so they can sleep in it alone.

Oh, if all the above seems like too much work for you, then you shouldn’t be cheating in the first fucking place. Dumbass.

6 – Don’t fall in love.
It’s a “transgression” remember? Falling in love is what you did with the person you’re cheating on.

7 – Don’t feel guilty.
Huh? You’re cheating on the love of your life, the mother/father of your children, your best friend and soul mate? But, you feel guilty? Awwww. Then, you my friend are a Dumbass. That’s right, you must go through with your transgression feeling no guilt, no remorse; as if you have the best of both worlds. If you can’t feel that way, then you shouldn’t be cheating or be in a relationship. That’s right, choose one. Do not pass GO, do not collect another jump-off. Choose.

8 – Expect to get caught.
Expect to find panties stuffed under the car seat. Expect a voicemail on the home line (because you didn’t pay attention to tip #5). Expect to slip up on a name in a moment of anger or passion. Expect that your beloved will notice a change in behaviour both in and out of the bedroom. Expect that one day you will be walking down the street with your beloved and see your jump-off staring at you in shock because they thought you were single (ah, you ignored tip #4, didn’t cha?). Expect that once caught out, that there will be a swift and possibly violent reaction. Expect to be caught on camera. Expect that there will be evidence. Expect that one day Maury Pauvich will say “Dumbass, you ARE the father!” Expect one or both people to break up with your cheating ass.

Because you got away with a one night stand, you are not an expert cheater, so yes, expect to get caught.

Well, there you have it.

Before the emails of condemnation come in, I will disclose: yes, I’ve been cheated on. Yes, I’ve been the girl who followed all of rules in tip #5. I’m not casting stones. I personally believe that if you are the type of person to cheat then you just shouldn’t bother with relationships. But at least try to mitigate the damage you’re about to do (already doing), and if you can’t follow tip #1, then expect all of tip #8 to smack you upside the head like 9-iron.

xoxo

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6 thoughts on “8 Simple Tips for Cheating

  1. I am going to print and frame this for my bf this christmas.If we break up, I will bring this on any date I go on to make sure we're on the same page.AND I will include this in all the christmas cards sent out to my friends.Keep on preaching!!

  2. Sounds like a good marketing strategy. Or better yet, write a dating book. The Do's and Dont's… An unbiased view.If they can make a killing with stuff like He's Just Not That Into You, imagine how popular and revolutionary your book would be 🙂

  3. Pingback: Announcement: We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog… « she said…he said

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