Before The Devil Knows Your Number…

(or how not to use the “unique” approach in order to pick up women)

Well, I’ve told you about The Gimp and the Pussy Predator I now need tell you about our dance with The Devil. Lucifer approached us as we were standing outside and extended my hand as if to shake it. This was off-putting for some reason, because he didn’t say anything, he just stuck out his hand. No smile (well, a little smile), no hello…he just stuck out his hand. I just looked at it. He then turned 30 degrees and without saying anything, offered the hand to Girlfriend #1…she too looked at it. My Friendly Girlfriend was the last person to be offered the hand and she was nice.Thus spake The Devil:

“Hello. I want to become friends with you ladies. How do I do that?”

Girlfriend #1 and I are still staring blankly at him. Trying to figure out his angle, we waited. Thus spake The Devil again:

“My name is ‘Luke’. You look nice, and you look nice, and you look nice. I want to be friends. Do you ladies live in Toronto?”

Well, I do, Girlfriend #1 and the Nice Girlfriend don’t. He then clarifies that for him, “Toronto” includes not only the GTA, but the surrounding suburbs. The Nice Girlfriend says “so…basically for you,’Toronto’ means ‘Ontario’…but I take it you’re not from Toronto?” (The Devil has an accent) He says:

“No, I am from Heruuul” (damn accent)

We all lean in and ask him to repeat himself.

“HERULL”

What now?

“H-E-L-L. Hell. So will you ladies give me your number so that I can call you and we can become friends?”

Yeah. Just like that. All three of us physically reel back.

Me: “like, seriously? You mean you’re from Hell, Alberta? I know that there is a city called Hell somewhere, but…” (NB: It’s actually in Michigan)

Him: “No. May I have your numbers?”

Okay, so he’s dressed in a blazer (with a pocket square), speaks very formal, has an accent and just said he was from HELL. No explanation, no back story. The last time a guy ever said he was from Hell when he introduced himself to a bunch of women was This Guy.I’m just saying.

Him: “So can you ladies give me advice on how to make friends?”

Me: “you’re asking the wrong person man, I’m not nice”

He persists in asking for advice and Girlfriend #1 and I agree that he should befriend friendly people (which we weren’t).

Me: “So, Luke is like short for Lucifer?”

Him: “Why are you on this “Lucifer” thing?”

Listen bud, I remember some of the stories before I was kicked out of Sunday School. Don’t try to distract me with mind games!

Me: DUDE! You said you were from HELL and you’re wondering why I’m asking if you’re Lucifer?!?

He makes fun of my outburst and then says, “so, is that it?”

Girlfriend #1: “girl, you need to blog this…”

Nice Girlfriend: “yes, and call it ‘I’m in HELL right now’…”

Him: “that is it then.”

Yes, Lucifer.That’s it. You have failed. What was the moral of the story here? If you’re going to go for the “unique” open…SMFH. I have no idea what to say to this! If you are going to try to unique open, be unique…NOT scary. The Jack the Ripper approach is not one to even attempt on Halloween.

Lucifer walked away in defeat and headed West. Or so we thought. A few guys who had been listening to the exchange spoke up to tease us (thanks…). They then point out that Lucifer has headed off defeated. To the East. Wait, we saw him go West. The 3 bandidas look West and…he’s not there. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And like that, poof. He’s gone…

Me: “does anyone else smell fire and brimstone?!?!”

Later, Lucifer came back into the club and slipped Girlfriend #1 his number. With a shake of her head, he was dismissed and no, his number was not 416-666-6666. We left the number sitting in the club. I took a picture of it… I may give it to the next person who asks me if I’ve heard the good word or something. We know who saves souls, who is going to save his game?

Guys – I want to know how you would’ve done this better…post your responses below!

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4 thoughts on “Before The Devil Knows Your Number…

  1. Luke…Lucifer…Hell…a whole lotta wrong. I've had the silent, slight smile, hand extend offered to me as well…and I too look at them funny and keep it moving.

  2. Pingback: Announcement: We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog… « she said…he said

  3. “you’re asking the wrong person man, I’m not nice” LMAO
    Love it ! I will think twice before talking to someone in Toronto. lol

    It’s kind of sad for the poor thing though. Maybe he was a great guy. Hope he moved out of Hell ( thanks google map)

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