Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

(or how to properly handle a hook up…)

This has come up a lot lately – heh.

But first, what might be for some a minor or major revelation: not every woman NEEDS to be in a relationship in order to have sex. Women are capable of flings, one night stands, encounters, fuck buddy-ism, or as my (way too young) friend Charlie Brown calls it “communications”. Yes. You don’t have to wife her in order to fuck her. BUT there is a way to handle it with grace:

1 – be honest about what it is from the start, even if you think she doesn’t want to hear it. My gawd, I’m so sick of hearing/reading the advice that men give to each other about lying. You know what makes a girl a crazy bitch? Lying. When we find out you’ve lied, it makes it MUCH MUCH worse than what you were trying to cover up.

For instance: the story goes that we were “seeing” each other. He sat me down and had the talk and it went like this: It’s fun being with you, but I just got out of a relationship, I can’t be in a relationship right now…so I just want to make sure you’re not expecting anything more… blah blah blah…” Me: great, because I don’t want a relationship either. Glad to see we’re on the same page…now take off your clothes.”

Three days later, he introduced me to one of his friends as his girlfriend. Oh and on the same day, said he had to stop at his sister’s house. Where we stayed for dinner. Oh did I mention it was Good Friday? Yeah…which leads to:

2 – don’t give mixed signals. Yes, he got cussed for the above and was called on it. Speaking of mixed signals…

3 – if she says she’s a relationship type but is cool with the “arrangement”, end it. She’s the relationship type and is NOT okay with the arrangement. Do not try to justify it after by saying “you knew what this was…” Because here’s another revelation: women are capable of lying. How do you find out whether or not she’s the relationship type? Well…

4 – talk about how you’re feeling about relationships from the beginning and remember 1 and 2 – be honest. No mixed signals. A mixed signal would be to ask her how she feels about relationships. She could misread this as “how do you feel about a relationship with me?”. Instead, say “I’m into having fun right now…I don’t want anything serious…blah blah” and MEAN it. Because I know you are screaming at the monitor “but that’s what I said!”. AGAIN: mean it! No more of this bullshit “I could be in a relationship with you, but not right now…” if she is relationship material for you, don’t treat her like a jumpoff. Talk about sex, talk about TV. Don’t talk about your childhood, don’t ask about hers. Basically, don’t involve her in your life and don’t involve yourself in hers!

Don’t ask about her family. Don’t ask about her friends. Don’t offer advice when she comes to you with a problem. Don’t spend the night. Don’t cuddle.

This is sex. NOT a relationship.

Do give her advance notice by at least a few hours (she may have to wax/shave).
Do bring the party favours (I mean condoms, not toys).
Do be considerate of her needs…yes, you’ve finished, so she gets to as well…
Do be a friend and not an asshole – you know, be complimentary, she did something great, thank her, make sure she gets home okay
Do remember 1 and 2 at all times…. so when she’s giving it to you so good you want to cry and she asks what you’re doing in a month because she needs a date to a wedding…say no.

Will this make you popular with her? NO. Will she call you an asshole? Probably. Will she badmouth you to her friends? YES… but when she describes what you said and how you acted and her trusted BFF realizes that you were honest at all times: I’ll — I mean, her BFF will look at her and say “but he told you that he didn’t want a relationship!”

When you see her on the street (because let’s face it, how often are you going to go out?) don’t ignore her! You’re with people? Introduce her as your friend. No intonation, no winks, no “special friend”. Just “my friend ____________” You know you’re going to tell your boys you hit it after, but remember, be a friend and avoid making her feel like she’s a party favour when she’s standing in front of you.

Speaking of friends…if you’ve been friends for a while, and I mean like years…but nothing ever happened? It won’t. Don’t call her up after years of friendship and try to turn your friend into a “buddy”. You can turn a friend into a girlfriend, but you cannot turn her into a buddy. The mere suggestion of it after years of friendship degrades the friendship, and insults her. As for the buddy, keep in touch for as long as you want to sleep with her. Don’t have long intimate conversations that last for 5 hours (that’s a mixed signal) actually, if you can talk to her for 5 hours…she’s not a jumpoff.

And if you meet someone that you like and feel like you could date this girl? Don’t call the “buddy” when you feel like getting some. Oh, you KNOW that happens. My boy decided to respect the wishes of the girl he liked and waited about a month…but was getting it every week from the “buddy”. You do that, and you risk the wrath of two crazy bitches…

Need to know some post-fling protocol? Stay tuned….

p.s. I didn’t know what to name this first (of many) posts on this subject and then the lovely and talented Nebby Neb of the Segment tweeted (for unrelated reasons) the words “kiss kiss, bang bang”. Thanks sweetie!

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