The Ex Factor


It’s been a while… and you’ve managed to not contact me. But then, a couple of days ago you just couldn’t resist. You “had to reach out” didn’t you? It’s been over 20 years… you think you would’ve figured out what I did 2 years ago: we don’t work. I work on my own (or even with others) you work on your own – and proved that you work very well with others time and time again…

But together?

We. Do. Not. Work.

Points I guess for persistence. No, no points, just me wondering if I should have a peace bond issued (again).

I changed my name, you found me…
I changed my number, you found me…

And now, even after your email I wonder what I should change next? You write that you saw me “walking home”, and suddenly, I want to leave town.

How is that fair or right? What more should I have to change?

Not a fucking thing…I like where I’m at right now. I’m done with the hiding…I’ve grown up and learned my lesson. Have you?

We did learn a lot from each other. For instance, you taught me tolerance and forgiveness… you introduced me to jazz and spoken word…I taught you patience and showed you how to be a better writer… because of you, I don’t trust anyone…because of me, you don’t forgive at all. For all the good we did, we did just as much damage. I’ve apologized and you even said the words “I’m sorry” (which I never expected to hear from you). But then I remember something else I learned because of you: if you have to say you’re sorry, you shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

“Sorry” is now my least favourite word.

So, all “evidence points” to me being “happy”? How the fuck would you know? And then panic sets in. I purposely don’t hang around people who might know you…I don’t put my name out there… so how do you know? Years ago, you told me how you found out things…I’m asking you, don’t.

I refuse to go through that again.

You asked me if I missed you. I don’t. I miss our friendship, which was the best part of our relationship. You were the only person I never had to explain anything to; you got it. You got me (frankly, I don’t think anyone has since). But we can’t be friends because you don’t want to be, remember? You said you wouldn’t be able to bear seeing me happy with someone else. If you can’t bear it, why are you looking for “evidence”?

I know that by contacting me, you are looking for reaction…I don’t know what you were thinking, but you were wrong. I told you I changed, and I’m not her anymore. I will not react, I will not return the call, I will not respond to the email. I cannot do this dance any longer, I’ve forgotten the song…I cannot find the beat…

We are the past. If you want me to be happy… you will leave me in the past.

I told you, the woman you want is out there. She will be the one that you thought was me. She will be the one that shows you how wrong we are for each other. If I could find her and bring her to you, I would. I want you to be happy, but happiness is not with me.

I’m not her.

I love you.


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